Everyone has a reason they do things. Or at least they should. Even for those suffering from one mental illness or the other, in their own distorted view of the world, there their reasons lie.
But for me, there was a time in my life when I really couldn't find a reason to do anything. Just before then, my driving force had been fear, and for some time, it was enough for me.
The fear of failure; the fear of not living up to expectations, and the feeling of disappointment that always accompanied it; the fear of risks; the fear of hoping for too much only to watch it not happen; the fear of change—I hated change. My life was a box of patterns and I preferred it that way. All those fears kept me going. Those fears pushed me.
And then one day, I suddenly realised, that the fears were no longer enough. I felt... excruciatingly despondent. Suddenly, it was like nothing mattered anymore. Pondering on the life after the present became a pastime— and in doing so, a huge chunk of my early teenage years passed me by.
"My life was a box of patterns and I preferred it that way. All those fears kept me going. Those fears pushed me."
The amazing thing was that I'd think of a future beyond the present, and then go beyond that to the future after then, till before I knew it, all that stared me in the face was death. Back then, It was a heart-stopping epiphany for me—when I realised that no matter how hard I tried, and how much effort I gave in this life, I'd still meet with the bleakness of death at the end.
I began to question so many things. During that period, my grades in school suffered (well, as much as they could suffer when it came to me anyways). I just could not grasp the idea of living in the moment (and truthfully, sometimes I still find it hard to), and since the future ahead would eventually culminate in death, my habit of living in the future seemed to have come to bite me—I stopped trying to live. I saw it all as pointless really.
But then one day, I saw something that gave me a new thought to ponder on,—beyond fears and people's expectations of me, was there really something worth living for?—and ponder I did, for months and months, till I accepted the truth. God's truth.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
—The Lord Jesus, Matthew 11:28–30; NIV
This was my altar call. The burdens that held me weren't physical, but the weariness of the human soul. And like every human, I craved and longed for a reason to live—something God gave to me.
To many, a yoke signifies bondage and restriction. But for me, it signified a reason to stay tethered to this world—a reason to keep on living. The yoke the Lord offered, gave my soul a mission, gave it purpose and drive. And His love, gave me a life beyond now to look unto—a life beyond the clutches of death.
This, and only this, has kept me going. So, on days when my secondary reasons fade away; when I forget that there's someone out there who could be blessed by my persistence, or when I forget that there are material benefits that come with a life of hard/smart work and diligence, His words hit me fresh in the face, and I see reasons to keep on pressing.
It's funny how in living my life like it's not my own—because there's someone I believe bought it thousands of years ago, by dying for me when I didn't even know him—I've come to find purpose and true peace.
So, I ask you today, what is your 'because'? And what is your reason for living and not just existing?
Because until you find this, until you find Him, there will always be that gaping hole that you come back to meet, when all your secondary reasons fade away.
So, I beckon to you, through the words that I've written today. Accept the purpose he gives, and the reason to live he brings. So you can live life at its fullest and experience hope at its best:
"The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)."
—The Lord Jesus, John 10:10; The Amplified Version
So encouraging 😪
Awesome 💯💯