He's Unchanging

Sometimes, I forget that God isn't like me. Let me explain. This past week, I drifted. I avoided praying intentionally—well, more like I couldn't pray intentionally—and struggled with Bible study too. There was a voice at the back of my head screaming that something was terribly wrong even as I binged on Kdrama after Kdrama. I wasn't fine, and I couldn't place my finger on why. Turns out, I was angry. Let's just say things hadn't been going my way this year, and unlike Father Abraham, I was reacting poorly to having my Isaac taken from me. I'd tried to stomach it all at first, reminding my soul that God is good and so are His plans, but I think I kind of lost it this week; to my dismay and—to what I think was—His amusement. Anyways, it was messy: I didn't want to talk to Him, even though a part of me couldn't deny my need for Him and how impossible the task I was undertaking was (especially cos I still had to share with others in gatherings). And so, after I discovered the reason for my drift and why I'd felt so lost that week, I expected retaliation from Him. Because if I'd been the one ignored by the ungrateful child I created and saved, she'd be getting the silent treatment for sure. She'd get a piece of what the term "closed heavens" meant. Perhaps I'd even write it out on the sky—using clouds during the day and stars at night—for extra measure so everyone could know that since she decided to not be on talking terms with me, she was going to be an unsupplied part of the body for a while. However, He didn't react that way. And it broke me. For my anger, I got understanding; for my pain, love; for my neglect, all of heaven's attention. I expected nothing from Him after my tantrum but a warning from others perhaps on how if I didn't tread carefully, He'd abandon me and "remove my lampstand". Or that I was no longer a baby and such tantrums were immature of a "soldier of Christ". But I think, just like every mother knows what remedy her baby's wails call for, our Father had no issue recognising where the source of my acting out was situated, and He's handling it with all the tact that follows the name "Ancient". In all, this week, if there's one thing I've learnt, it's that God isn't petty the way we tend to be. His love for us is really unchanging, but ironically, is what changes us to be better versions of ourselves each day. After this week of internal dispute, I actually want to do better. And this time, not because I owe Him per se, which is a thought process for another day, but because I'm touched by a love that stays consistent, in spite of my many flaws.