DEEP BREATHS (fiction)

"Breathe in, breathe out, repeat."

This was the mantra I tried to sing over and over to myself, as I lay curled-up foetal style on my bed. It wasn't working as effectively this time though—I was bordering on hysteria. And as much as I tried to get back my state of normalcy, I felt it slip away even more.

I was going through what I'd taken to calling "mini-panic attacks". For me, they were almost always triggered by fear, and this time, it was my fear of the future. I curled up even tighter, my nails digging into the coarse skin of my palm as I kept at my breathing exercise—a trick a friend and I came up with the day she found me in a similar state; tearing up and gasping for air—at the base of an old, gnarly tree.

Slowly, I found myself calming down, though there was still this constant, inconvenient hitch I felt at my chest's core. I knew it was more mental than physical though, and tried to ignore it as I continued.

"In, out, repeat. In, out, repeat".

After a while, it seemed the knowledge that my usual method wasn't working, filled me with an even greater fear, because before I knew it, I was back at square one—frozen in place and gasping for air. My thoughts were on a roll then—each one trying to outdo the other in depositing fear, like sediments, on the stream of my consciousness. And then, just when it had gotten so bad I thought I'd never be able to truly hear myself think again, it stopped.

For what I felt was a long while, all I could hear was silence.

Peace. Be still. Calm down, baby.

I stayed there—this time not frozen by fear, but weariness. I'd been saved from the darkness of my thoughts again. But why did they have to show up at all?, was what I wondered.

"God. I know you're here." I said, whispering into the stillness of my room. I tried to focus more on the light filtering in through the curtain—that I'd haphazardly hooked at one end of my cream-coloured window-protector—than on the words I was saying.

"So why won't these fears stop?" I questioned, sighing, as I adjusted my position so this time, I was facing the ceiling.

"Why do I have these thoughts that get me so crippled by fear that I'm unable to properly function? Why won't they just go away?" I muttered, completely annoyed with myself.

Peace. Be still. I'm here, baby.

I tried to chuckle, but felt exhausted, so I settled for rolling my eyes. This was typical "God and me" talk. Sometimes I wondered if he really was a man of few words or if it was the mental image I had of him being someone like that, that actually spilled into our conversations.

I knew what he was telling me though. I knew those words like the back of my hand. They were the same words I heard deep within my heart during every attack, ever since I became a Christian. And now that I could think properly again, I realised that the former had actually begun to occur with less frequency.

I have you in the palm of my hands. There's no need to be afraid. With me, there's no reason to fear that is legitimate.

I allowed those words wash over me, trying my best to use my willpower to hold on to them, in a bid to force them into my heart. I knew they needed to sink in.

Let go. You try too hard. These are my words. Just open your heart, and allow me do the rest.

As soon as I heard that, I ceased struggling, and pictured my heart as a tightly fisted hand, slowly being pried open. The moment it was, it was like it lost its heaviness. I felt so much lighter.

I'll take care of you. There's no need to worry, no need to fear.

Those were the last words I heard, before I dozed off into a relaxed, fit-less sleep.

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Beloved. Maybe your periods of sudden fear aren't as severe as this character's. But there are so many of us that have fears we've been unable to silence, even right now. Just like the character in the story, the Lord is telling you to calm down, take a deep breath, and trust in him.

There is nothing too difficult with God, neither is there any obstacle or path so rough, that you both cannot traverse together.

So, like the character in this story, allow his words soothe you and smoothen those edges in your soul, cut jagged by fear.

He loves you and is always here for you. Do not be afraid.