I am someone who has time and time again, craved the affections of men. Somehow, typing this out just made me come to terms with it—one step down, several other power-packed and divinely ordained steps to go.
And this week, nothing has struck me as much as this knowledge. This knowledge that daily, I find myself longing to always and incessantly remember—that as a believer, every detail of my life should be like a scene acted out for just one person; my very true audience.
As a child, I'd always suffered from the need to please. I'm still not sure if it's as a result of my being the first, or if it's something I just subconsciously latched on to. But I always wanted to be spoken of in the light of all expectations well and thoroughly met. So, it's been very hard whenever I've had to face disappointed expressions (in fact a year ago, I'd have been unable to keep it together—I've suffered from depression more than any other time, after "realising" unmet expectations that lay like glaring cobwebs in the shoe-box called my mind).
Imagine when it dawned on me that in living for my true audience, I'd have to face many disappointed faces along the way. Those who would wonder why I chose such a path, or would see my actions as a waste of great talent. Those who would wonder why I'm doing something this unsmart, and wonder who influenced my hearts intent.
But, in spite of all this, or perhaps because of these, I find myself drawing closer to the loving embrace of the Father. I realise that I'll be daily facing my greatest fear—the fear of never being enough for others and having to see or listen to their criticism. And while I want to smile and say it's alright, I don't really feel okay right now thinking about it. In fact, my heart's almost drowning in a pool of anxious dread.
But I'm noting it's a bit less than yesterday's. I guess that's something a daily understanding of your one true audience does to you.
So, to the person wearing a similar shoe as mine—I totally get you. I get how much you try to make everyone happy, and not break any hearts. I get how much you want to feel loved by people, how much you want to avoid conflicts and so you're scared of falling or acting out. But beloved, try not to forget today, that you're before the audience of one.
He is the one who matters, because he's the only one who truly cares; the only one who devoted his life to you, and to whom you did the same. He is Jesus.
"For there's one who matters most of all,
who has always loved us, flaws and all.
For long before we were born,
the One who mattered, had called us "loved"."
—Those who matter,
Part Three; SIMPLE
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