5 things to NOT say, when trying to show empathy!

Hello beautiful people! So, recent happenings in my life, have put me in an environment where I'm around a lot of injured people, a good number of days a week. Now, when I mean injured, I'm not talking about emotional or spiritual injuries this time, but physical, bloody injuries, often associated with crying and painful levels of loss.

Being around these people, opened me up to the need for empathy as individuals. But I didn't really understand till some nights ago, when I found myself in an achingly similar situation, though at a lower level.

My reactions towards that situation and the reactions of those who were around me as well, are the major building blocks for today's post. So today, enjoy the lessons below on, "5 things to not say, when trying to show empathy!"

1. "I TOLD YOU SO."

Now, how many of us cringed while reading that statement?

I'm sure our hearts turned dark, as moments when those words had been thrown casually by those we held dear, flashed before our eyes. How many times have we heard people say this to us, when all we needed at that point was comfort?

Well, I've come to realise that one thing most of the people who use this sentence fail to see, is that the recipients most likely already know this. They already know you told them so. In fact, from the moment they realise they've made such errors, that's practically the first thing that hits them squarely in the face. And your words only serve to drive the knife in deeper.

Also, it's amazing how the mind works—so many of us who have been victims of this statement, somehow still find ourselves in predicaments where we offer the same acidic words to others; blithely forgetting that if we were to be in similar situations, we would loathe such statements and turn extremely defensive.

2. "OTHERS HAVE IT WORSE."

I'm forced to scoff, whenever I come across this statement, especially when it's said with the aim of assuaging self-pity in people.

Now, while I know that self-pity is one very destructive habit, I believe there are better ways to handle it than by rubbishing people and their needs to grieve. Whether we choose to admit it or not, periods of loss, grief and mourning are important periods as well, for us as individuals, as long as we remain in this fallen world. Humans grieve to let out the pain. It is in periods of grief we come to terms with the weight of the loss or pain and even then find the strength to move on.

And one major thing we must always remember, is that losses. pains and our reactions to them, are just as unique to each of us, as our faces are; perhaps more so. So no matter how we plan to offer sympathy, we must ensure we do not unwittily cause more harm to others, by comparing their pains with others, and consequently, ridiculing it.

3. "YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER."

I do not find it a thing of pride unfortunately, but I must admit that some of the most defensive times in my life, were instances where someone said this to me in a judgemental tone.

"You should have known better."

"You should have known better."

At the point of grief, nothing sounds as hurtful as the implication this words bring: that the recipient is not only stupid, but has been hurt by their stupidity in action. And while sometimes this is the truth—for many a times, it is the wrongness and sheer insanity of some of our actions that lead to our hurt—it is unwise to blurt this out, when the wound is still raw and bleeding red.

4. "YOU'RE BEING ILLOGICAL."

It's unfortunate just how many people (males especially) have received blatant and nasty stink-eyes, and unbidden responses of angry disgust, when they offer such statements to their hurting counterparts.

It is the people with the mildest of dispositions (and a major dose of Holy Spirit power at work: something we should all aim for) that are even able to reply in a broken and painstaking manner,

"I know it does, but it hurts anyways."

Many others would rather throw a dish at your head or curse you, then leave any vicinity that has to make both of you be in the same place at once.

Moral lesson: it might be illogical, but at that point, no one asked you to spell it out.

5. "IT'S ENOUGH JHOOR."

Dum. Dum. Dum.

Now, this is one statement even the callous know not to throw around so easily. From a tiny child to a huge man with bulging biceps, we all know to deliver these words with extreme ameliorating actions that could range from melodious croons to tough-love back pats.

For this reason, it should be a shock that people can still say this apathetically, from a place of disgust. And yet, they do.

My only word for these set of people: repent.

For even Jesus said;

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."(Matthew 5:4)

He understood that humans did this; and the answers he provided, were comfort and blessings, not:

"E Don do. As you big so, you still dey cry?!"

May God help us. Amen.

DISCLAIMER:

This post was written, not to vent or pour out my frustration about people who lack empathy (because it is frustrating to watch, actually), but in a bid to remind us, that the issue of helping a wounded heart, be it from a physical or mental cause, involves a lot of love and wisdom. Also, for those believers who sincerely try to show empathy, but see themselves falling short time and time again, never forget that the Holy Spirit in you, is the master of empathy—His middle name is practically, "the Comforter". So don't try to force it. Just allow wisdom flow, and let love lead.

"Handling a heart turned erratic by hurt,

sometimes more intense than the hardest of sports."

—Erratic;

from the book, SIMPLE,

by Ofure Angela Ogbidi.